12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!)

12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 1 (You’re here)
12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 2
12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 3

Shopping for lawyers come holiday season can be a real drag. I know, I am one.

However, I’m one of those fun-loving types, who enjoys little pranks and tricks, provided nobody is too embarrassed, and the property damage keeps any potential criminal convictions in the misdemeanor range. To me, there’s nothing better than a really funny gift. Gag gifts are nice, and have good humor value. But the truly excellent gifts are those that are both funny AND useful. So this holiday season, I’m here to offer some assistance to anyone who is looking for some gift ideas for attorneys like me (i.e. “with issues”).

Here are my 12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues):

1) The Billable Hour™ Brass Desk Clock – $49.95

Make sure that your desk always looks professional… at first glance! This handsome desk clock, with a  classic – and classy – design, gives the look of stylish professionalism to all the senior partners who may walk by on their way to lunch. Fortunately for you, all the real decision makers consider the idea of entering into your office to be beneath them. On closer inspection, it’s an excellent homage to the life-consuming practice of billing time.

Or, in the event you feel like bringing the soul crushing experience of billing time home, it’ll look great on your home office desk. Yes, I’m referring to the coffee table that also serves as your breakfast and dinner table.

2) Not YOUR Attorney coffee mug – $15.00 (affiliate link)

It’s always important to have a high-quality mug, it is a part of your essential daily caffeine delivery system, after all. We’ve found the perfect one.

This mug holds 11 oz. of your favorite beverage (or combination, if you leave room to Irish up your coffee). It’s dishwasher and microwave safe, and lets everyone know exactly how you feel when they visit your office. Plus, it’ll help you avoid any of those nasty ethical concerns should someone you’re talking to in the early hours of the morning come to the conclusion that you’ve formed an attorney-client relationship!

(Editor’s CYA note: simply carrying around this mug will NOT preclude forming an attorney-client relationship. Even though it’s awesome.)

3) Free Legal Advice Grenade paperweight – $37.95

If you were hoping to keep the sarcasm of your Billable Hour Clock and Not YOUR Attorney coffee mug to yourself, too bad. This little beauty will definitely catch the eye of people walking past your office, drawing them in to observe your funny desk items (and your complete lack of hygiene after 40 straight hours of brief-writing).

That’s OK, though, because at least those who don’t know how you actually feel about working your life away think it’s a pretty funny joke. You never know, maybe you’ll end up getting invited into a partners meeting, and it’ll end up looking like this:

4) Dead Fred Pen Holder – $8.99 (affiliate link)

This delightful little figurine is a combination stress reliever/pen holder. For people tired of traditional stress relief tools like putty or those weird, suggestive ball things, this is for you. Experience stress relief in a very Hitchcock-esque fashion, while impressing your coworkers by demonstrating the ability to not lose your pen every freaking time you put it down.

I am truly unable to say it better than The Onion does: “Kill two birds with one stone with this stress reliever and convenient pen-storing receptacle.”

5) Federal Reporter w/ Glass Flask – $89.95 (affiliate link)

Among the more expensive items on the list, this handy little volume blends in nicely with on your fancy little office bookshelf. But when the partners go home, and you need to drown your sorrows while doing document review in your office at 11:30 on a Friday night, just walk right over you your (basically decorative) bookcase.

Right there, next to your Black’s Law Dictionary, some hornbooks from law school, and the one bar exam study book you still have, sits your random volume from the Federal Reporter.

The pages are  unglued, so it looks and feels like a real book. But the information contained within is measured at 250 mL! I’m honestly not sure if the purpose is to fool people who pick it up, or to make us alcoholics feel a little better.

6) Insults and Comebacks: Lines for All Occasions – $21.00 (affiliate link)

Since we’re over here at your bookcase anyway, why don’t we get you something that you can actually use. Here’s a bonus, these will be even funnier after you’ve taken your third or fourth swig of cheap scotch out of your Federal Reporter’s little secret.

The second product on this list from The Onion (sorry, I’m just a huge fan!), this book contains over 500 insults and comebacks for you to choose from, just in case being unable to come up with a witty reply immediately wasn’t humiliating enough. Display it prominently for all to see: they’ll either think you’re funny or really odd.

7) The End Bookend – $18.00 (affiliate link)

Ok, we’ve added some serious substance to your bookshelf this holiday season. Now, we have a logistical problem to deal with: keeping your books from falling over (under the weight of the alcohol contained therein, probably). Once again, I turn to The Onion for an excellent tool to keep your books from falling over, in a very existential way.

Made out of steel, precision-cut and powder coated, this Bookend is strong enough to support the overwhelming weight of your legal treatises, all the while preventing the metaphorical you from being crushed underneath them! Hopefully looking at the image about to be crushed by the books doesn’t end up inspiring you to drink more scotch out of your Federal Reporter flask!

8) The Official Bullsh*t Button – $11.99 (affiliate link)

Let’s be honest, you knew we were going to get here eventually. Who couldn’t find a use for this in a law office? And yes, in case you’re wondering, I put the blurry spot on that image. Deal with it.

This is the PERFECT office tool for letting people know what you really think! Just imagine, someone comes into your office with what they consider to be a brilliant legal strategy, or has a revolutionary new way to write briefs quickly, or thinks Duke doesn’t suck. One tap of this button, and you can convey what you really think, while maintaining a (totally unrealistic) plausible deniability!

“The button will call it like you see it.”

9) “Tradition” Demotivational Poster – $15.00

There’s something about motivational posters that always made me cringe a little. That’s probably the biggest reason why I absolutely love the products offered at Despair.com. Among their collection of great demotivational posters, this one is probably the most applicable to the practice of law.

“TRADITION: Just Because You’ve Always Done It That Way Doesn’t Mean it’s Not Incredibly Stupid.”

If you don’t find yourself thinking that EXACT phrase at least once a day in a modern law firm, then you’re probably an equity partner who can afford WAY nicer gifts than the ones I’m listing here! The rest of us will keep wondering exactly why we’re running from these bulls.

10) Google Chromecast – $35.00

Huh? Wait, all these gag gifts and he includes a Chromecast on here? What gives?

I know, it seems kind of odd for me to put this here, but hear me out! What better compliment to your crazy office than your Google Chromecast. Plug it in to your computer, and you have everything a busy, overworked attorney needs – Netflix streaming, HBO GO, Hulu Plus, Pandora, and others – all courtesy of your firm’s WiFi!

Hey, this particular gift can work even as a real, non-sarcastic gift too! Google recently announced support for 10 more apps to stream content remotely, and there are likely dozens or hundreds more to come in the near future.

11) Cards Against Humanity – $25 for the Original, $10 for expansion packs (affiliate link)

We’ve had some scotch, we’ve spent a solid 20 minutes stabbing our pen holder. We’ve imitated the figurine that’s about to be crushed by our Black’s Law Dictionary, even inventing the legalese-filled pleas he makes as the books fall. That’s when we realize there HAVE to be other associates in the office. Or, at least, at the nearby dive bar.

There is no more perfect game for a group of young attorneys who, having completely given up on the concept of living debt-free and owning a house, want to see exactly how depraved they can get without winding up on an episode of COPS. Get your friends/co-workers/commiserators together, have a couple of drinks, and get ready to understand exactly how true the game’s motto – “A Party Game for Horrible People” – really is.

Oh, and just for fun, here’s a photo of one round of this game played with some friends last January, in case you wanted to know:

Sick, huh?

12) Nerf N-Strike Stampede ECS-50 – $49.99 (affiliate link)

Last, but most certainly not least, the office tool for when you’re completely out of mental and physical energy, and really need a good laugh. Or for when you’ve actually completely lost it, and need a non-felonious and non-murdery way to experience your Vietnam-style flashback. The Nerf N-Strike Stampede ECS.

This thing’s got it all. Comes with three clips that hold 18 suction-cup darts each, and a rapid-load 8 round mag as well. Six D batteries later, and this little beauty, now weighing just as much as a real assault rifle, will empty those clips in FULL AUTO. Too heavy? It comes with a push-button bi-pod that attaches to the front. And just in case someone else in the office tries to start something first, just attach your Blast Shield with view-port to the top and deflect any incoming fire.

This isn’t for amateurs. When the office warfare begins, make sure you’re prepared.

 

DISCLAIMER:

You might have noticed some of the links above are identified as “Affiliate Links.” This does not, generally speaking, make them evil. What it means is that when you click on the link and purchase the product, I receive a (very) small commission. You DO NOT pay any extra as a result. I do not include these links capriciously, and I research each link I include on this list. I only include products on this list that I find particularly hilarious. I do not provide any warranty as to their use, this page is, as the title clearly says, about funny and/or sarcastic gifts.

For additional information, check out our Disclaimers page.

Photo by imagerymajestic.

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About the Author

Brian Focht is a civil litigation attorney and technology enthusiast. In addition to being the author of The Cyber Advocate, he is also the producer and host of the Legal Technology Review podcast, and co-founder of B&R Concepts, a small business technology consulting company.